Grey
by jedijarmarcal
Summary: SPOILER ALERT: THE LAST JEDI After watching TLJ... I have feelings. This is an exploration of the relationship between Rey and Kylo/Ben. Is it romantic or devastatingly platonic? This is also an exploration of dark versus light and the entire premise of which their relationship is centered around.
1. Chapter 1

Snapshots of scenes find their way behind Rey's eyes. They zoom by too quick for her to make out if they're memories or premonitions-

Inhaling sand through worn lungs, the way wind whips each granule against her skin like needles, the rusting hull of a star destroyer looming overhead. It's salvation to her when it had been death to so many-

"I am one with the force, the force is one with me-"

Jolting to alertness, a green light saber bright, slicing through the night. But Luke's eyes are wide and she can see everything in them. Death would have hurt less-

Greenery so alive her heart soars like the first time she flew the Millennium Falcon. Her heart is happy in this moment. She feels a presence-

Shards of glass flying into her face, red pulsing heat against her cheek. Was this how it felt-

"You are nothing, but not to me."-

Frozen nothingness, painful to the eye in the glow of two suns. She wishes she could ignore her screaming retinas and subject herself to blindness. His face is the only thing she can tolerate to look at.

And it _hurts_ -

Returning to the present, Rey falls to the ground, her bed and all of the other items in her room thudding to the floor around her.

Wasn't mediation supposed to bring her clarity?

* * *

It happens enough for Rey to feel the slight change in the air before he arrives or she is suddenly where he is.

She was passing time in the main hull of the Falcon while Rose and Finn led a supply run on some no-name outpost in some no-name system. Things were desperate for the Resistance, forcing them to find friends in places Rey wasn't too sure she'd like to have any.

People needed to eat though, and without any modern ships and tech at their disposal, medical supplies had to be bartered for wherever they could be found.

When Ben speaks, she isn't surprised, just mildly annoyed and unsure of what he'll say: the last time they saw each other was on Crait and she had been making her grand escape. She refused to look at him, instead focusing harder on the hyperdrive unit in front of her.

"You look awfully glum for someone who's supposed to be 'saving the galaxy'."

Tears pricked her eyes. The pain of it was welcoming, reminding her that that's the only thing he'd ever given her-

belonging? a sense of true purpose-

"You've made your decision, _Kylo Ren_ -" she spits it like the first time she tried Rancor's Breath with Poe, "-I really don't see the need to talk to each other. If we make it a habit to ignore each other whenever this happens, hopefully the Force will get the hint."

"My hands were tied."

He sounds defeated, like he actually believes what he says. Like he didn't spend some of their last moments together trying to get her to go against everything she believed -right? she believed?- and join him?

Rey really can't help herself, whipping her head around to glare at him. Could you glare and feel so utterly pathetic?

"Now that doesn't sound like you at all."

His look says everything, and Rey is glad the Force pulls him out of her reality at that time.

 _You don't know me at all._

Was it a whisper, or just her imagination?

* * *

She felt cloaked in him like smoke from a fire. Even though he never was actually there with her, Rey felt his presence linger like a too heavy perfume.

She was never without him.

"Do I smell weird to you?" She asked Finn in passing.

The crazy look he gave her made her feel better. No one had caught on.

It was a blessing at times, to be so alone.

* * *

Three months.

She could almost forget his voice, his presence- or so she told herself.

When that familiar heaviness permeated the air, she hated how her heart leapt. How do you accept defeat and move on, when the person you tried so desperately to save never abandons you like they said they would?

Could he have actually gone through with killing her all those months ago?

Maybe she had spent a minute too long in Snoke's lair, but Rey felt a redness on her insides that hadn't been there before.

Anger.

But at what?

When she saw his face across the room, all she felt was sadness. Blue had always been a color of hope, like the lakes on Takadona, but now Rey feels it like frostbite.

She remembers a memory that is not hers, of a light saber and betrayal. The pain is Ben's, but she recognizes it now in the way he looks at her.

They are so alike, she realizes, and knows the same expression is on her face that she sees on his.

This time, the don't say anything, and he's gone quicker than he came.

* * *

"Do you even know how to tie a knot?" Ben asks it over her shoulder like this was any other day in any other boring life.

It's such a blissful notion that she rolls with it: it was so tiring feeling so offended all of the time.

She snorts. "I'm self-taught. Don't criticize me."

"Maybe accept the criticism for what it is. A knot like that could get you killed"

She's annoyed now. So much for bygones being bygones.

"And what do you care?"

He's gone before she whips around, and it's only possible to be angry at him when he's around.

* * *

This time, she visits him. It's preferable, she thinks, less invasive.

When she realizes he's sleeping, she wishes she could leave, let him be and just go, but the Force would never let her off the hook that easy, so she crosses the room and sits on the edge of his bed.

Her heart hurts with the knowledge that he could have this awake and that he's too stubborn and comfortable in his own grief to open his eyes.

They could save the galaxy.

Each other, too, but Rey never focuses on that part of what she saw when her future was revealed. Why make it worse than it already was?

So lost in thought she was, that she didn't notice when he had propped himself up on his elbow and was staring intently at her.

Oxygen lingered in her throat and tickled at her heartstrings.

"I saw it too."

It's a confession that needs no explanation. It's the one thing Rey never lets herself indulge in but is always in the back of her mind-

A green forest and dappled sunlight mixed amongst the shadows beneath the leaves.

Perfect harmony.

His laughter and an apple being passed back and forth between them.

She doesn't know the story she's telling, but knows it's her favorite because of the way it makes his eyes crinkle-

"Do you want it?"

Any softer and she would be inaudible, but she dare not speak too loud in case this gossamer moment is destroyed.

And for once, he indulges her with honesty unburdened by pretense.

"I'm scared of it."

Her heart breaks- _always_ \- for this man.

"Why does it have to be so polarized? What if we found another way?"

Since when did she become the one to talk of leaving the war?

"I would go with you." His eyes let her know that he knows better.

But does he? Why does he get to be so sure of the world when he's the one hellbent on destroying it?

"We could save everyone."

A sad smile paints his lips. "You're the only one that matters."

"Everyone matters," she retorts weakly.

"Not to me."

* * *

She awakeNs when the sky is that grey in-between night and day, like the world just hasn't figured it out. There was a peace in the stillness, however, that spoke to Rey. Desperation was something familiar to her after all of her time on Jakku, but this...

How do you long for something you've never even had?


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n:** This is not the Chapter 2 I intended to write, and it's really just a snapshot, but after writing it, it felt important to keep it just what this is. I hope the things I wanted to relay come across.

Yes, this is going to tell a story, but I apparently have a problem with linear progression. Expect the next installment soon.

 **EPISODE II**

 **red and away**

Ren remembers the boy like a story that happened to someone else.

There are memories and emotions that find their way into his mind's eye, and he's gotten so good over the years at telling himself that their not his- hell, he didn't even have the same name as the boy.

Not anymore.

* * *

 _It's dark when Ben looks outside the windows of the Millennium Falcon. His breath sends little clouds of fog to obscure his view with every exhale._

 _He catches bits and pieces of his parents' conversation- strong, sharp words that he could recite to you at this point- and judging by the tightness in his mother's voice, their vacation was about to be over._

 _Ben could tolerate the arguing, but not the way his dad would ruffle his hair after he eventually made his way to the cockpit to tell Chewey the new destination-_

 _"Let's make way for O-17 Chewey. Outer Rim, Ileenium System, D'Qar."_

 _As if Chewey didn't already know._

 _-or how his mom would squeeze his hand as she waved to the shrinking freighter on the horizon._

 _It always confused him, the waving, but Ben let her do it even though Han Solo was already gone._

 _And yeah, Leia would hold his hand until the Falcon was gone and the shockwave from the jump to hyperspace was no longer rattling her bones, and then she too would let him go and walk away, throwing herself into the needs of the galaxy._

 _Always protecting worlds, never giving second thought to the one she created._

 _So he stared out the window, letting the emptiness of space pull him in, take him away from the cycle of it all._

* * *

Rey is staring at him as the ship lifts off and she's giving him a look he recognizes from his childhood.

 _Is this what you want?_

Ren isn't sure if it's her question or his, but he's certain about the impact it has in his mind. All he can do is stare as she leaves in a cloud of red soil. The salt burns his nose and throat, but something worse stabs there. He wants to cry, he realizes.

But there will be none of that here. That's not him.

There were too many things that happened today- Luke, Leia, failure- and it's all a hum in the background compared to Rey's mouth open just enough to keep him waiting for anything that might pass through her lips.

 _Is this what you want?_

The hangar door closes and the sudden loss of her is unbearable.

Again.

Why couldn't she just see what he saw?

When he closes his eyes tonight, he'll see red and pretend it's rage and find a way to validate it. It will not be the would it feels like- he refuses to look down because there _has_ to be a gaping hole in his chest- or anything other than that familiar rouge he has holstered at his hip.

Fists clenched at his side, Ren watches as the ship clears the atmosphere, feels the shock and lets it roll through him.

It's different this time and it takes him a few minutes of staring at empty sky to figure out why.

The way she stared at him made it feel like he was the one that left.


End file.
